SFO >>> JFK
As I passed through the TSA checkpoint this past weekend, I thought I had the dance down pat: boots and coat thrown off, bangles tossed into purse, purse rolled into suitcase, everything tumbled into the scanner, sashaying in stockingfeet right through the RapiScan. But inevitably I set off the alarm, was held up with a female-assist pat down, and was stopped to review the size of my dubious nail scissors. Doing the dreaded TSA tango, I got to thinking about the ideal air travel get-up to fly through the gates. Following some TSA rules, I suggest the below items…
1. Take off your shoes.
I thought it would be nice to go René Magritte-inspired and wear these feet-themed shoes. This painting has inspired several high-fashion copycats, namely Margiela, Comme, and most recently Céline, whose nude pumps with red-painted pedicures may be the best iteration of the trompe l’oeil foot trend. Maybe TSA wouldn’t even notice that you have shoes on and you could walk right through! (Pro tip: Pair these with Magritte’s “matching” anatomical blouse and you could save lots of time on pat downs!)
2. Take off your belt.
Easy. Don’t wear pants! Don’t wear a belt! Instead, wear a jumpsuit. This one is both glamorous and comfortable, made by Zero Maria Cornejo.
3. Keep your liquids and gels under 3 ounces.
I suggest a Diptyque solid perfume, weighing in at a mere 0.14 ounces. Try not to think about the math, since it comes out to $343.00/oz. But on second thought that may just be worth it to overpower the official scent of airports everywhere: Cinnabon®.
4. Take off your jewelry.
This rule can be circumvented by wearing a piece from Nervous System’s 3-d printed jewelry collection. Crafted from printed nylon, this necklace shouldn’t set off the alarm bells and it lends lightweight drama to this hypothetical airport look. Who knows, it could even jazz up your body scan image!
5. Remove your coat.
This is my dream airport coat since it is basically indistinguishable from a duvet. It is easily folded into your suitcase with your other bed linens to pass through security, and then it matches perfectly with your sleep mask for snoozing once you are in the air. Form meets function meets jet-lag.
6. Forget everything above. Pony up for Global Entry and feel like a celebrity in the pre-check line! The ultimate travel accessory.